Wednesday, March 23, 2011


"Surrender any weapons you may have on your person and put your hands up for a pat-down," says one of the older children, about 14 years old.

Hell if you're gonna take this nonsense from a bunch of kids, you refuse to go. Rather than trying to talk it out with the group you decide to simply wipe them out. You take out your pistol and immediately shoot the oldest child in the forehead, he collapses immediately. Some of the younger children flee, but others come charging towards you with their archaic weaponry.

They are no match for your pistol or Tootie's peak orangutan physique. Those children without bullet wounds or fatal blunt trauma to their heads lay on the floor unconscious. You notice one child, about 11 years old, trying to slither away unnoticed. You and Tootie make your way towards him, finishing off any other children on the floor who show the slightest sign of life.

Tootie grabs the child. "You, I will let live. Tell your King what happened here today. Tell him and the rest of your buddies to steer clear of Tootie or the lot of ya will be joining your brethren."

The child is still with fear.

"Did you get all that?"

The child manages a nod.

"Then get the fuck out of my face."

The child quickly runs away flailing his arms, crying.

You and Tootie commandeer some basic equipment from the children's corpses to aid your journey through the hellhole that is the year 2040. The two of you acquire leather jackets, yours from a "husky" child, first aid kits, heavy duty backpacks, gas masks and, most importantly, goggles.

You slide your new goggles and gas masks over your heads and take off to explore.

There are faded posters on the walls with sayings like Honor Work and The King Will Free You. All else besides the immensely polluted air and crumbling buildings seem normal.

Tootie starts to get hungry and suggests looting the next grocery store you find for the possibility of canned goods. You feel okay, but you do love the idea of "looting" so you agree.

You come upon a gas station mart. The door is locked, Tootie wraps his fist in a towel and breaks open the window with his ape-might. Even though you considered leaving him for dead initially and were on verge of putting a bullet in his head not long after, you two are actually starting to get along. All that was before he was super-adorable.

You come upon a great deal of canned kidney beans and imitation crabmeat. You decide to stock up, who knows how long it'll be before you come upon a stash this great?

Back in your time, cashiers would try to charge you money for a backpack full of canned kidney beans and imitation crabmeat. Not in the year 2040 though. In the year 2040 all the cashiers were dead, you guess.

From behind a door labeled "Employees Only", you hear the screams of a child in that awkward stage during puberty where their voice is in the process of developing, but still cracks constantly. You and Tootie walk up to the door and hold your ear to it.

"This is what you get for disrespecting the King like you did! At first sight of him you are to stop what you're doing and bow!"

Tootie wants to help the prisoner. "The 'King' is about to have somebody killed down there! The enemy of our enemy is our friend, right? We've gotta go down there!"

You hear his scream again, "No. NO! NOOOOO!"

"I won't let you leave without helping this kid," demands Tootie


Kick down the door, guns and orangutan ablaze, in order to rescue the child with the cracking voice. After today's slaughter you're feeling pretty confident in your capabilities.

Sneak in and observe the situation for a little longer, carefully deciding when to make your move.


  1. #2 seems like the reasonable choice.

  2. As much as I'm starting to lose faith in my passive approach to this story, I still want to say #2 is the better choice. Best to see what you're up against before attempting to kick some more ass.

  3. Choice #2 is the smarter way to go.

  4. I say option#3 should be that you assault Tootie with enough cans of kidney beans to knock him out, cause enough ruckus to attract the attention of those inside, then ask for a reward for having "saved" them.

  5. Cans of imitation crab meat. So this is the future! I'll go with two as well, but only because I'm clearly outnumbered by reasonable people.